Sunday, May 27, 2007

First love

Yesterday I met (online) my first real love. It was college and I was very innocent and shy. We were only friends back then, but I was very much in love. Weird how that person has been a passenger in my head since, always returning when I was thinking of the strangest things.

I get easily infatuated, I admit. At first it was a struggle, but these days I treasure these impossible attractions as a luxury. I draw energy from the moments I see or meet someone who fires something in me - no matter if it purely physical or mental. As I've learned to accept being alone it is no loss when they evolve to nothing.

It has been a long a rugged way to where I am today. Single and 42 yes, but wiser and burned. After my first secret love in college I fell heavily in love in my twenties, got dumped after a few years and swore newer again. It was great while it lasted, but the heartache was almost too much for me. I don't know how, but I did get up again. And what was supposed to never happen again did after a few years. Wiser love, but just as deep and blind for me. I honestly did not know how to go on when it ended. Just the fact they could end it crushed me. While I understood and accepted that love ends without we having much say in the matter, I never accepted or forgave that they could end the friendship.

I never got over either of them. I wish them the best in the world and would take a bullet for them any day, but while time doesn't heal these wounds for me it does march unaffected on. I've found ways to occupy myself to overshadow those thoughts (and regrets). Taking one day at the time and trying to do a little good in the world while making sure I am happy too.

Internet provides an opportunity to re-connect with people form the past, and as someone who left the birth city early that also helps to relieve some wounds. Good past memories is good medicine against other not so good.

It is very true when they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. I would not be without any of my experiences - together they created who I am today. That still does not say it is easy. Especially when you find out you've never been loved the way you have loved others.

"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."
[Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith"]


Anonymous said...

I feel for you, mostly because you give the impression of being a sensitive person, which I certainly can identify myself with.

I'm still in college, and I haven't really thought about the possibility of remaining single for the rest of my life. It not what you learn to expect from life in this society.

Even though I believe it is possible to be very happy alone, I still hope you find someone special you can find mutual commitment with. I wish you the best.

Kate said...

I really empathize with you!Very aptly written and I agree with you on your thoughts. Love is most of the time just momentary and leaves you with wounds that cannot be healed easily.Search for true love often ends in bitter realization.However, never regret for all that you've done. I'm sure you'll find someone who's made for you.Best of luck!